My Brain, My Self

My body doesn’t always do what I want it to do; it has some challenges that are pretty much out of my control right now. But, even as depressing as it can be not to have the grace, power and ability I once knew, it’s something I can accept. It isn’t frightening, it’s just frustrating.

But the same condition which has affected my physical self has begun to take its toll on my thinking processes. I’ve noticed lapses in comprehension, loss of vocabulary and the inability to express myself articulately, sometimes, in the middle of a sentence, forgetting what I was saying. It isn’t just frustrating, it’s frightening. Deeply frightening.

For me, my ability to think, perceive and understand is the one aspect of myself over which I have absolute control. My brain is my command center – it’s where I live, my one true domain, my home. I may not always have power over my body but I own my brain and I can make it do what I want it to do. If I don’t know something, I can learn it; if I don’t understand, I can gather all manner of information to figure it out. This is my comfort zone. Or rather, it was.

So what will happen to me now that my brain has begun to betray me? If I can’t control my thinking, speaking, understanding, does that mean I don’t control my self? Does it mean that I am not who and what I believe my self to be? Who am I if not my ability to think, perceive and comprehend?

Having been part of a David Hawkins* study group for about 9 months now, I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around his contention that we are, in fact, not our thoughts, perceptions and knowledge, and that these are the means through which we are separated from who and what we really are: an aspect of the All That Is. If this is the case, maybe I ought to be grateful to have my mental faculties slowly taken away. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen it. Yet, losing brain function is not quite the same as overcoming the ego, nor is it synonymous with realizing my god-nature. It simply feels like the deterioration of my very being, as there is no blissful oneness moving in to take its place.

I think that’s what I really fear – losing my self without having found God first.

* David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. is the author of Power vs. Force, The Eye of the I, and many other books.