Vulnerability Shared

He spoke quietly as we stood in the Co-op, unveiling his pain and confusion, neither embarrassed or guarded, but simply embracing the reality of his vulnerability. It was immediately connecting as well as frightening. Yes, I thought, this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for and talking about, this is how I want to be with people and how I want others to be with me, standing right here in front of my eyes, bearing witness to the reality of my vision. It was palpable and enveloping and I was drawn into him.

But why was it frightening? Why did I want to run away and hide my eyes, hide the emotion that was rising up in my heart? Why could I not embrace it with all my being and dance for joy at finally realizing the dream? Why did my heart ache with the sum of all the loneliness I’ve ever felt?

Four days later, I believe I’m beginning to know the reason for my fear and to understand the ease with which I professed this desire, this lie, for intimacy with all beings. I never really believed it was real, never believed that other people were up to it. I had no problem bemoaning the lack of deep connection and profound communion between myself and others and would loudly proclaim my need for this shared vulnerability with all because I believed it was impossible. I felt secure in knowing that people just weren’t as open as I pretended to be because no one else had the nerve to call me on it or prove me wrong. Or so I believed. I wonder now how many of my friends saw right through my facade? Now, at some previously unplumbed level I’ve begun to see through myself.

So here was this man, completely safe and secure in his own pain, so willing to love his anguish that he cared not who else saw it or what they’d think. He was being as I’d always wanted to be; he showed me how to do it. Having witnessed this I can no longer hide behind my lie and, yes, it is frightening, but I’m willing to go there. I do want to be that open and vulnerable - it’s a choice I made long ago. All these years I thought I’d been practicing but, in truth, I’ve only been pretending. Now my life begins again.