Trust

Trust is such a challenge for me. I go along believing that I'm trusting someone or something only to find out that I never really did, that I had been silently waiting for the inevitable let down.

I want to trust, really I do. And I try to be open and friendly and even vulnerable. It doesn't require any courage at all for me to bare my soul to others; I can do it without blinking an eye. It's believing that it will make any difference in how open and vulnerable they are in return that is the problem here. And ultimately it's about trusting that they won't betray me in their effort to protect themselves from harm, real or imagined.

It doesn't feel good to admit that I don't have faith in very many people, but there it is. Maybe people are afraid to risk being themselves, afraid of being judged, rejected, belittled. I am, too, but every once in a while I try - I reach out my hand, my heart, my hope. Knowing how satisfying it is to connect with another human being on a truly intimate level, I cannot give up completely.

I know that to be accepted one must be accepting, to be loved one must be loving. Could it be that in my not trusting, I am not trusted? Is it true that my waiting for the let down actually precipitates it?

Have I not inspired faith that I can and will love you when you bare your own soul to me? Can I tell you now that I will, I really will? Is that enough for us to try?