To Ask or Not to Ask

I’ve spent the better part of this evening running various scenarios through my head in an effort to decide on a course of action - if only I can figure out which one has the least potential to end in pain and humiliation. All the while, the question, “But what do you want to do?” was snaking itself around the inside of my skull. When I finally noticed it, when I heard it for what it was, I was struck by the fact that I was unable (or unwilling?) to simply do what I wanted to do without all the planning, hypothesizing and second-guessing. This has been the way I’ve run my life.

I can clearly see that fear is at the root of all these mental gymnastics; it always has been. And I also see that fear has been one of the worst advisors I’ve ever had, so why do I keep using it to guide my decisions and actions? For once I’d like to speak out clearly and without hidden agendas, to simply stand up and say “I want …”.

Wow, I just got a rush when I visualized doing that, a powerful surge rather than the usual debilitating angst. In my visualization it didn’t matter what the outcome was because standing in my power isn’t about getting what I want, it’s about asking for what I want, without judgment. And since it is human nature to want, unadulterated asking is all about letting myself be human.

Letting myself be human – as if I needed my own permission. Sounds schizophrenic, huh? :-)